I am loved.
I say that to myself about 50 times a day. Maybe a little less. Sometimes a whole lot more. Sometimes I say it again and again and again with the rhythm of my breathing until I stop feeling so electric and shaky and alone.
I feel foolish. But I do it.
Sometimes, when it’s really bad, I list off the people I know who are unabashedly in my corner.
And when it’s really, really bad my mind automatically responds with all the people who aren’t. And all the reasons why the people who are shouldn’t be.
Yesterday was one of those days. It’s February. It’s the first winter I haven’t been on medication for depression in years. And my brain decided it was going to list every terrible trait I had – over and over and over again. I finally decided to give in and write them down.
I’m not good at regulating my emotions.
I don’t often think before I speak.
I can be snarky & gossipy.
I’m not a good secret keeper.
I’m not as patient and loving of a mother/wife as I’d like to be.
I wish was more self-assured.
I wrote them all down (these aren’t all of them but you get the gist) and I took long look. And laughed. Really truly laughed at myself. Because who sits down and writes a list of their shortcomings and then wonders why they aren’t more assured? Someone who overthinks, obviously.
And who isn’t?
I’m getting through this winter without medication.
I’m a work in progress.
And I’m loved.
And man, am I ready for spring.