The first blog I ever wrote was called “UpsideDown Kate”. I started writing it soon after becoming a new mom, because I went from being the kind of person who wanted a career and no babies to the kind of person who had a baby and no career. I wasn’t unhappy with the switch; I had made that decision joyfully, but I was also in over my head. I had no idea what I was doing, and was certain I was doing it badly while everyone kept telling how happy I should be.
Has anyone ever noticed that someone telling you how you’re supposed to experience something is the actual worst? I don’t think I have ever (in the history of ever) been more frustrated than by someone telling me that I should feel something differently than what I am feeling. I didn’t feel happy. I felt alone and scared but writing it down and putting it out into the world made me feel less alone, and eventually, better.
The blog has changed a bit since those days, but I still come here because you remind me the way I feel is exactly okay. Sometimes, you have good suggestions on how to experience it differently, or gently point out an angle I hadn’t considered, but mostly, you remind me that I am not alone in the way I see, or feel, or think about whatever it is that I’m seeing/thinking/feeling. And you let me just ramble on about the things I’m doing which is fun too.
Last week, I started Prozac (again). It’s been too many years of struggling while thinking, “This is external stuff, not me stuff. Things will get better.” Hoping that the world would get its shit figured out before I needed medication has me questioning my lifelong membership to the pessimist club. The struggling became too much. Whether external or internal, things haven’t gotten better and my plate is full. Full of health stuff, and raising adolescents, and raising adolescents through health stuff, and extended family stuff, and grief, and the shit storm that is the daily news. I talked to my doctor. I started meds.
It’s been a lot. I feel alone, and scared, and frustrated with people telling me how I’m supposed to feel. (Thank you for not being those people. Toxic positivity sucks.) Some days, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing and failing miserably and I recognize that I’ve been here before. The gap between where I want to be and where I am is widening, and I’m not sure how to fix that just yet, but being honest and putting it out into the world seems like a good enough place to start.
For those of you on the other side of the teeter-totter, KEEP SHARING YOUR JOY!! It makes my heart so happy to see it and reminds me that I’ve been there and will be there again.
Speaking of joy, did you see that cute little guy in the corner of that nasturtium picture? He was a happy little surprise when I downloaded them.
And because it’s Tuesday and I’m here:
Reading: I listened to Obama’s book while working on some house stuff this weekend. I still have SEVEN HOURS TO GO. I even sped it up just a smidge. It’s NEVER ENDING. I may listen to something else for awhile. Read Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid and It Ends with Us by Colleen Hoover.
Watching: Violet and I watched Dug Days (Disney+) which are some adorable Pixar shorts. Abram and I watched Luca (Disney+) which was also fantastic. For adult (and I mean adult) viewing, I watched Sex/Life (Netflix). Not for me.
Knitting: Have the foot of Jesse’s sock to finish, then the hat, then I need something that feels inspiring.
Making: This (We were doing hello fresh for awhile during the pandemic, and this recipe has continued even after we discontinued that service) and chili because I have the peppers from the garden and onion from the CSA and V requested it. I am going to spend some time either cross stitching Chicago or playing in my sketchbook. I need some not knitting creating.
So that’s me. I hope this finds you on the joy side of teeter-totter. And as always, I’d love to hear what you are -ing if you have the chance.